Health is Always There
I've done a lot of reading to try to fix myself. I've read self-help. I've read disorder specific books about bulimia and ADD and depression. I've read extensively in Buddhist texts. I'm constantly wanting to figure out what's “wrong” with me and how I can fix it.
In all that reading I often came across this concept of being innately good. I have been trying to tell myself this for years, hoping that out of sheer will I might come to believe it. You ARE good, Minter. You ARE good. But I didn't really believe it. My definition of goodness was built on the idea of duality, of being separated from goodness by my failings. I misunderstood that actually accepting myself as being good meant thinking that my bad choices were good.
As Ram Dass says, “Your problem is you are too busy holding onto your unworthiness.”
This semester, my Anatomy and Physiology instructor was discussing homeostasis and the body's constant work to keep things balanced. What we think of as symptoms of disease are actually symptoms of the body working hard to get us back to the sweet spot of balance. He said,”Health is always there.” No matter how sick and broken we look or feel, health is always there. The non-conscious part of us, all those endocrine organs and bones and blood cells are all working so hard on our behalf. Health is there. Life is there. Energy s there. And THIS is what we mean by goodness. Goodness is our innate ability to adapt, to learn, to change to get back to a state of balance.
It's somehow easy for me to grasp this with my body. I know my body doesn't deserve punishment for being sick. I know my body isn't being “bad.” Why is it then so hard to realize that we are our bodies. We, as a whole, have health. My body and my mind are always working for health. And sometimes sickness comes in. But I am not sickness. I am health, fighting off sickness.
My body has been sending signals for years that certain foods are not good for my system. My body has also been sending signals about toxic relationships and ways I need to change my habits. But change is hard, especially when it comes to habits. Our brains love to follow those same, safe pathways they’ve always followed. We will shuffle to the point of extreme discomfort to avoid the dissonance that requires change.
I loved this quote by Adrienne Rich that Alison Bechdel used in her memoir, Are You My Mother?:
“The dissonance between these images and the daily events of my own life required a constant footwork of imagination.”
And boy can I dance.
But as I continue to practice massage, I become more and more aware of the innate health of the system, the goodness therein. And as I dwell in the place of focused connection, I am forced to realize that this goodness and health also reside in me. While our bodies keep working on our behalf to achieve balance, our habits and beliefs about ourselves affect how the system gets put into alignment. If we ignore the signals for change, the body will establish stability around the recurring trauma. Soon we’ll find that we don’t have much movement in that place - whether it’s our lower back or our feelings about someone who has hurt us.
In order to get the most out of our system, we have to really know that the system is working our behalf and pay serious attention to what it is telling us.
Your mind and body are good.
Health is always there.
Pay attention to what pains you.
Honor what you know.
Above all, let go of your unworthiness. It does not serve you.
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